20 September 2010

RANDOM: WFT's He On About...?

Ok so I'm jobless today...well not quite jobless exactly. I have a post I'm working on but as a stop gap I have a 'lil competition for you. As everyone is doing Independence Bonanzas, giving crazy ass discounts up to 50% sef (like really...discounts? In Naija...if the business owner don't make at least cost price + 10 that discount ain't cutting it) and people are planning on extended weekends (YAY...fucking...NOT...another day wasted due to public holidays...but I digress) I said to myself ...

ME: "Dang baby...why don't you and I...also known as WE *please note this is the royal WE here o* also known as Me do something crafty to bring new users to the fold" (Shamefacedly...I admit...this conversation really did take place...and yes I talk to myself...but...isn't that normal?)

SELF: "Hmmm...sounds like a plan! How we gonna swing that?"

We thought and pondered. Well I thought and pondered, Myself just lounged like a houri in a (شيخ)‎ Shaykh's seraglio sipping Turkish coffee. Me and myself have this interesting dichotomy going on. I...that is Me...am the stronger, more dominant personality, while Myself...hmmm...X_x...*nuff said!* so basically I run the show and she...Myself...tags along for moral support...however she would readily dispute the question of whom wears the pants between us *in reality...she never wears any pants...shhhh! You didn't hear that noggin of information from moi...shhhhhush!*. Confused yet? No? Well here's guessing you're on Team Gemini (Go Gemini *fist pump*) :-D.

Anyways, me and myself and our coz "I", thanks to inspiration from twitter and all the crazies I know there *mad love for y'all...birds of a feather and all that crap* and also from all the Nigerian 'artists' who daily produce "one-" hit (?) wonders of sound that have we the listening public scratching our heads and looking Homer Simpson-ish with a priceless "What the fuck is he on about?" expression tattooed across our faces, came up with the notion to do a "WTF Does That Mean" competition. The offending word for today is 'Utunu'.

Now in my magnanimosity and in the spirit of Nigeria being 50 (and my desire to extend my fan base *devilish smiley* Muahahahahaha! >:-D) I am offering a special anniversaire gift to the reader of this post who comes up with the most interesting, funny and downright kolo definition of the target word.


  • You must be following me on twitter
  • You must be be a follower of my blog *straight face*
  • You must include your twitter handle so I know it's you
  • You are entitled to submit a maximum of 5 separate entries. (tweets are not inclusive)
  • You must be resident in Nigeria
  • All entries must be posted as a comment *transparency is our motto*
  • Entries after 12 Midnight 30th September 2010 are null, void and the sender shall be shipped of to Tibet and be forced to be sex slave to a Yeti.

The process of selection is open-secret balloting *there's an oxymoronic statement if ever there was one*. There are two rounds. The first round is the initial submission and then shortlisting by a panel of expert judges *namely Me, Myself and I...go figure*.

The best five *IMHO* will then be presented to the public and the best definition as judged by the readers (via polling) shall be declared the undisputed heavyweight champion of Utunu, and will be contacted so that their prize can be sent across! Voting starts 3-Oct and ends 9-Oct. The winner will be announced on the 10th. Sounds good? Good!

Okay so get creative, get mad, get whatever...and maybe you get the "GIFT"! If you haven't heard the song 'Good Lurving' yet...>> Good Lurvin' - Lynxx ft Whiz Kid (mp3).

Now who says I ain't never done nothing for ya!? ;-)

DISCLAIMER: All thoughts and opinions expressed here are all mine (crazy as they might seem). All works here are my original work (unless otherwise stated)
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07 September 2010

Randomly Random

Hello all,
Sorry I've been MIA but I've been more or less brain-dead. Nothing and I do mean NOTHING has come to mind to write about. I could claim Writer's block but this one pass that one sef. I'm thinking more like Life Block. My life is totally uninspiring as a source of material. This is therefore a random review of the nothing that has turned to my life.

• Moms has started again. The usual "When are you gonna get married?" discussion don start again. SMMFH. #isthatwhywearehere? Abeg make una help me beg her to free me jare! The joke is no longer funny. Is it by forced sef? I told her straight up I have no plans whatsoever of ever...EVER getting hitched. That shut her up sharpish. I think she has started prayer and fasting on my head. My coz has even started towing the 'when we go wear your ashebi' cart. My sister and her hubby have started sef. Na wa for poor lil me. It isn't that I don't wanna get hitched one day but must I settle?

I've always wondered why they call it settling down sef. To me settle means to manage or make do with...almost as if better no dey. Then to worsen the matter they added the word DOWN to the equation. It's bad enough you're managing the man...now you're moving DOWN into oblivion not UP to a new plateau. This is just me being random.

• I've come to the opinion that I'm just a pushover! Well only where Boyfriend is concerned. We finally broke up. For all of three weeks. Men! I just don't understand them and really I don't think I wanna anymore *there...I've said it! I finally admit defeat* Life was so much easier when I didn't give a hoot! Now I'm a goddamn owl *hoot hoot* RME. Anyways as I was saying we went to Splitsville NY. He broke up with me *or rather I made him call it quits* over a supposed ultimatum I gave him. I said "Cool. Nice knowing you. Adios." Was really patting self on the back for being a real trooper about it. No tears. No hysterics. Almost shook his hand as I walked him to his car. Fast-forward three weeks. In his new apartment *Don't ask me how I got there*

ME: Ok I have to go.
HIM: Okay. We dilly-dally at the door.
ME: Remember you broke up with me o!
HIM: Nah I didn't.
ME: Yeah you did. (*rewind and repeat 10 times*)
HIM: You know I can't do without you *I later read this same line on the TT #liesmentell...nuff said*
ME: (naked in bed) *X_x*.

So we're back on the merry-go-round and nought has changed. Like really FMFL. I'm so dick whipped I'm like a runaway slave that got caught and got splayed. I need deliverance o! This juju wey BF use hold me suppose don reach to expire sef *now calling NAFDAC*. Oh well let the pain (re-)begin.

 • I got a BB at last and I still don't understand the hype. For me it's just a very expensive way to avoid buying airtime to make calls. Well that is IM- not so -HO.

 • I had a dream about one of the peeps I ff on twitter. I shall never be able to look at him without going beetroot purple. Let's just say if it were ever turned to a skin flick they'd have to think of a whole new rating system cos XXX-rated just wouldn't cut it. Now praying I have an opportunity to get him pissed *aka legless aka shit-faced aka wasted ok you get the picture* and try out the scene concerning furry handcuffs, PVC, shower fixtures and ice-cream. However I am worried about the link between Erectile Dysfunction, premature ejaculation and alcohol so I guess I'll just have to talk the pants off of him :-). Ok too much info don't wanna scare him off in case he *by some fluke of technology* gets to read this.
PS: I've just realised that the BB doesn't recognise the words erectile and ejaculation or maybe it was the combination with the words dysfunction and premature. Hmmm!

• My two friends got hitched. I almost *almost mind you* leaked a tear. Met up with some members of my twit-fam and even recognised one of em by their avatar. Why is this surprising? Her avatar is a booty shot. Very compelling ASSets I must say *o ya feel free to groan. Even I groaned while typing that weak ASS pun :-D X_x there I go again*

• Wayne Rooney allegedly paid a hooker £1200 a night *math cap on* that's like N305,000 a session. Now re-evaluating my career choices *osho free don end from henceforth*. And na who be the maga wey talk say ashi no be work? Did I mention she sold her story for a further £400k *do your own mathematics here the zeros are giving me migraine*

• I've decided that I don't like children. Strange considering I have three of them *well my kids are cool* but really kids suck. It's my uncles and aunts that have me on this tip. Gramps died in June and they're there squabbling about a bunch of BS. Meanwhile the man was bedridden for 8 *yes EIGHT* fucking years and they never came to see him. Even till now none of them have even been to the mortuary to confirm that it is really THEIR father there. If this is the reward for giving life and raising children maybe barrenness isn't such a bum deal! Anyway I jump and pass. My children shall never cause me such grief. However...retirement plan will definitely cover such a contingency. Once again I say...kids suck.

• I'm gonna start divorce procedures soon against a lot of my friends. This random post should serve as notice to them and if they fail to receive the notice...well...tough luck cookie! *as good friends they should be stuck on my blog like a stamp to a letter innit?*

Before you complain about this post been bereft of purpose or point I did tell y'all I had nought to write about so I'm just rambling randomly with no rhyme nor rhythm to this post. And that is that.

DISCLAIMER: All thoughts and opinions expressed here are all mine (crazy as they might seem). All works here are my original work (unless otherwise stated)

13th Sept 2010: 
Some people complained about the use of abbreviations in this writeup so here is a brief translation of the lexicon used.

SMMFH: Shaking my muthafucking head
RME: Rolling my eye(ball)s
X_x: Eyes covered (in shame)
BB: Blackberry
TT: Trending topic; a topic of interest on Twitter
FMFL: Fuck my fucking life
BF: Boyfriend 
IMHO: In my humble opinion
NAFDAC: Please google

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