19 March 2009

Fairytales for Adults

I have this song I love to bits, and it's courtesy of that cute little skater girl Avril Lavigne "My Happy Ending". It's actually one of my "breaking up is never easy" songs. (Don't act like you don't know what i'm on about! the songs you play when you're going through the standard breakup cycle and you start to play different songs or watch movies suited for each phase of the healing...but that's a lesson for another day.)
Now the song is about a relationship in its death throes. The girl laments the death of her fairytale romance. It starts with a request to talk the situation over, not so much for reconciliation sake but for closure! Why the song catches my attention is for the simple fact that the whole relationship was founded on suppositions, fantasies and daydreams...the Cinderella tale. Prince Charming, white horse, big ass castle in the sky and a life of luxury sitting on chrome.
Almost everyone enters a relationship with preconceived notions of what's what. Expectations are high...he'll be a gentleman, be loving and caring, always put your needs first, the sex'll always be toe curling, orgasm inducing stuff. He'll get on with all your family and friends and they'll love him to bits. He'll hold you when you're sick, hold your hair when you puke. He'll think you look beautiful even when you wake up groggy, red-eyed, mascara streaked and hung over Sunday morning.
She'll be a PMS-less, nag free, sex bomb who's always ready to get down and dirty at the drop of the hat. She'll be the classic girlfriend...beautiful, moderately intelligent, and will cook and clean in exchange for sex! Most importantly she won't be a clingon and will NEVER NEVER EVER ask those 2 silly questions women are congenitally prone to..."Do you love me?"; "Where is this relationship going" or any other variant of such.
Sadly, alas, unlike the Princess and the frog, kissing turns him from a prince to a frog. He doesn't call with the desired frequency, he hates all your friends and the feeling is mutual. He turns out not to like the idea of giving you cunnilingus as much as before, now that you two crazy kids are going steady. He complains about your housekeeping, cooking, makeup etc.
She turns out to be the devil's spawn, the sole offspring of the Beast and Shiva come that time of the month. She bitches about everything...from your choice of friends, your lame dress sense to your total lack of ambition careerwise and your penny pinching attitude when she wants to buy stuff. The fairytale romance is gradually starting to look like a match made in hell.
He tosses his clothes willy nilly around the house and thinks they just magically appear in his wardrobe washed and pressed...after all he has maid service (or is that a magic fairy). His laugh that was once so adorable now starts to sound like nails grating on a blackboard and makes your teeth (and ears) hurt. He trades taking you out for a Valentine's dinner for a Man U match. He can remember how many goals Giggs has scored in his career or Michael Jordan's stats but can't remember your shoe size not to talk of your birthday. He hogs the remote and doesn't help with the housework even though you both worked the same 12 hour shift.
She walks around the house with a wrapper tied round her chest, hair rivalling Medusa's, she farts in bed, spends 2/3 of the day yapping on the phone talking about nothing at all, and even though she isn't an heiress she spends your money like she is. She constantly complains about you not spending time with her then acts suspicious when you do. She doesn't like your mother and is barely civil to your friends. When you do buy stuff for her she bitches about the size or complains that you're cheap (and stingy to boot).
Fairytales...I loved them when I was a little girl, but I wised and stopped believing in them about the same time I stopped reading Mills and Boons (I mean...seriously! Shit like that only happens in the movies). Real life happens to us all and continues to interfere with our relationships. We need to enter whatever it is with realistic expectations and remember that perfection is only found in God, Jesus Christ and the dead. Tweet It...You know you wanna


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